Yeah, it didn't stay...

So, I think the better breathing lasted for about a week or so--again nothing substantial, but it was a slight improvement. Then, Lister cut the steroids a little (now I'm at 20 or 15 mg daily, alternating days), and it seems like it's getting bad again. Argh. It's just so annoying.

Also, that day when I had my appointment with him, I asked about being put on oxygen--at least while I'm putzing around at home. So, they tested my levels, submitted a report and later that day a man came by with tanks and tubes and such. At first, I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing--mentally it made me feel like things were worse, but a funny thing happens with desperation. If you can breathe better but look silly, you'd be surprised how quickly pride gets tossed out he window.

Thank you, GOD!

Today it seems that I've had better breathing. I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm VERY happy that it's here. Usually the last days right before a chemo are the most difficult for breathing, and since I'm due for my next chemo on Friday, it would normally be pretty prohibitive by now. HOWEVER, today, I managed to do quite a few things around the house and EVEN got out to the art store on my own. I've been doing some floor exercises (in addition to my normal treadmill sessions) to build up the muscles in my arms and torso, so maybe that is helping to strengthen the muscles that can pull open my lungs. Or maybe, I have enough prayers into God that he finally took mercy on me.

Meet my donor!

Her name is Jackie and she and I met this past weekend at my mom's place in Maryland. We had dinner and chatted up each other on what we had both done for the process as well as other events in our lives. She came with her husband, Andrew, who had an amazing magnetism for my mom's cat, Stanley. Within moments of sitting down, Stanley was all about getting as close to Andrew as possible. It was absolutely adorable! I also created a painting for her--my first floral. Here's a picture of it as well as an image of Jackie and I together!

Pushing it

So, the breathing is closing up again (as usual when I'm about a week after chemo). However, in some way, it seems not quite as bad as it was in the days before this last chemo. It's still pretty terrible, but I at least wasn't completely discouraged in my efforts to get out of the house today. I swung by the art store to pick up some more canvases, because it's the last few days of a sale that they are having. Inspired by spring and taking a little break from figurative work, I'm working on some florals and other objects real up close. I finished the first flower painting today and I'll be giving it to Lady X this weekend when we meet for the first time. I hope she likes it.

Airhead

I have had a better breathing day today. I had my 11th chemo yesterday, and it has given me a bit of my breath back--at least for a few days. It's amazing how much better and like myself I feel with just a little bit more air in my lungs. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a breathing pretty heavily, but everything is just a little bit easier. I actually had a conversation with an old friend on the phone today for almost an hour and a half and I didn't get winded nor tired afterwards!! I even had enough energy to do the fastest and longest treadmill session than I have for months! Oh, please God, let me keep this air!

Alive but not living

I've had a little bit of a lower period lately (mentally). I'm just getting really frustrated with these breathing issues. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's just that it doesn't go away. It's amazing how limiting it is and how much it's cramping my ability to get better. It's hard for me to build up strength in my muscles, because exercising is near impossible. And as far as other activities, well, those are pretty impossible too. Actually, I can try to do them, but it starts to get a little scary when I can't get enough air into me. I actually start to get dizzy sometimes when I'm just walking out to the car. Not good.

The thing is, I wouldn't mind it nearly half as much if I knew that I had to endure it for "x" [time period] more. Even if it were a full year or two. Then, I would at least have something to look forward to. I could tell myself, "Just 10 more months until I can breathe normally again." BUT, I don't have that guarantee. I don't have any guarantee that it will ever go away. It could clear up in a matter of weeks (not likely) or stay as a permanent condition. It's completely unknown. That's probably what's most difficult right now--not knowing if all this suffering is going to be worth it in the end.

Entered

So, I did it. I entered a competition. It's an international competition, so I'm assuming that I have some pretty stiff competition. It's the first competition that I have entered since highschool, and I won't find out if I've placed until July 1st. The painting I submitted is "Sunday Morning" (the painting of my grandmother). I'm definitely curious to see what the judges think of it. Fingers crossed everyone!! :-)

So it's not the painting

After meeting up with Lister as well as a respiratory specialist, we have all concluded that painting doesn't seem to be making my breathing worse. GOOD. The breathing seems like it has gotten a little better over the past week, but I think that's more a result of a new inhaler they have started me on. With any luck, tomorrow, I start painting again.

It's funny how intimidating it can be. Just being away from it for a couple of weeks and I feel like my skills are slacking.

A little experiment..

So, now that the show is up and I have no impending deadline for paintings, I decided I would try a little experiment: stop painting for at least a week and see if my breathing improves at all. So, as of Friday of last week, I haven't painted--and it's been hard not to! I miss it already.

So far, I've noticed that it is a LITTLE easier to breathe, but mostly in the sense that my cough (that I've had for over a year) seems less phlegmy and persistent. I'm going to try to continue to not paint until I see Lister next Thursday. That will make it 2 weeks of healing/experiment time to see what effect it has. What a cruel reality it would be to not be able to paint after all this.

I'm hoping that if it IS the case that the paints have been irritating my lungs or making it worse in some way, that it is only because I'm still on the immuno-suppressants and that when I am able to be taken off them that I can go back to painting. My current daily pill consumption is still pretty full:
1 anti-viral
1 anti-fungal
1 antibacterial (2x weekly)
3 immuno-suppressants
1 blood thinner
multi-vitamin
flax oil supplements
calcium supplements

In the meantime, I'm brushing up on my drawing skills and catching up on my reading and napping. Anyone read something good lately that they would suggest?

Knew it could only last so long...

For those of you who don't know me personally, I've been on disabilty leave for the past year, unable to work. Today I got "The Phone Call" from my boss. "Unfortunately, as of the 31st of this month, we can no longer hold your position open for you."

You may think, "But, you can produce all these paintings! Surely you can work?"

Nope. Drawing and painting don't require me to move from my seat nor speak for extended periods of time (if at all). They are skills of an isolated person. And until my breathing issues improve, the docs can't take me off the medicines that basically require me to be protected from the germs of the hoi polloi.

To not want to return to the grind of a 9-5 job is one thing. To not be ABLE to...is another.

The show must go on!

So, my breathing issues have not improved at all in the recent weeks--in fact, it almost seems a bit worse. It's hard for me to walk down the hallway without getting winded. :-( I am seeing a respiratory specialist within the next week, so I'm REALLY hoping he's got a trick up his sleeve for me.

In the meantime, I had attended the reception for the first showing of a large group of my paintings, "Angles" at ModernFormations Gallery. Mom came up for it as well. Here are some pics that she took of the exhibit.

"Fertility"

Here is the next painting in the series for the Angles show. It's just a little over a week away! For those of you who think you've seen them all here and don't need to see the show, the digital rendition is never as good as the real thing. So, toss on those winter jackets and come on out next Friday night! :-)

Women's Work

I got into another show! I'll have a piece in downtown Pittsburgh at SPACE Gallery. The painting that will be there is "Breathe" which you can see here.

"Mother"

Here's the next for the woman's show. I started it back in November, but since I was so weak in December/early January I didn't get around to finishing it until recently. The first is the finished painting, the second image is what the painting looked like until just a couple of weeks ago when I went back at it.

Get this!!

So, Lady X (a.k.a my donor) and I have exchanged a few emails and I found out some interesting information...she currently lives just 24 miles from my mom's place in Maryland!! AND...she grew up just 19 miles from me in New Hampshire! She's the same age as my sister, so it wouldn't be surprising if their paths had crossed at athletic or other school events. AND...she works for a company in Maryland that has a local office in NH where my mother used to work a few years ago! CRAZY!

"Reflecting"

Here is the next of the paintings for the show. Since I've had some inquiries about my process, I figured that I would post some pictures of how this painting developed.

Es schneit!

It's snowing! It has been snowing off and on for quite a few days here in Pittsburgh. It's all just a little powdered sugar on the city with not much accumulation, but it's still very pretty.

As for me, much of the same. Still having a hard time breathing. Still kind of tired. Both yesterday and today, I almost made it through the day, when in the late afternoon, I was seized by the need for a nap. Both times, I thought it would just be a little cat nap of 20 minutes or so, and both times, I was out--drool and everything--for at least an hour.

Aside from that, Lady X (a.k.a. my donor) contacted the National Bone Marrow Program. She has signed a form to release her information and inquired for mine. I got the form yesterday. I'll fill it out this weekend and send it in. Ralph and I are placing bets as to where she lives. I'm guessing in the mid-west...something like Minnesota. Ralph thinks it's more like Texas. I guess we'll see!!

"Something you said"

Here is the latest of the paintings for the show in March. I won't be posting it to my art website until the show has begun, because I want to leave some things as a surprise. I'll continue to post the paintings here, though, since most of you who read this aren't in the Pittsburgh area. Enjoy the sneek previews! ;-)

Ha!

About a week ago, we ordered Chinese food and I got the following fortune, which of course made me laugh out loud. :-)

I remembered it today when my doctor told me that they found two clots in my left arm area. This means that I will have to administer shots to my tummy twice daily for potentially 6 months to thin my blood out. Argh. Come on, body, fix yourself already.

A little less sleepy

Finally, my body has begun to readjust to being without so many steroids in my body. I'm still on them (25/20 alternating days), but at least it's not quite as much as it was before. I still have the puffy bloated face from them as well as hair in places it shouldn't be and no hair where it should be. For instance, I have this little mustache. It's similar to what the boys in junior high used to leave on their face for a year before finally being convinced to shave it off. It's just on the sides of my upper lip, and not noticeable all the times, but for one who has never had to worry about facial hair--it's noticeable. Between that and the ungroomed brows that I was sporting, I was hairier than Ralph.

Some good stuff, though, is that the less sleepy state has finally allowed me to get back in front of the canvas almost daily, even if only for an hour or two. This is really important, because 1) it gets me off the couch and out of bed and 2) I've got just a little over a month until my first show of paintings. I lost the past month and a half from all that weakness, so now I'm trying to play a little catch up and fix the things that I did with my shakey, tired hands. Hopefully, I'll post the next piece here within the week.