Here's something!

I woke up this morning feeling as close to normal as I have felt in a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. I was able to breathe through my nose, I had a good feeling of energy, my eyes weren'’t burning, and I wasn'’t shaking or coughing. It was wonderful. I just laid there in bed for a while enjoying the sensation and clarity of the drizzly Pittsburgh morning.

The eyes only just now starting to feel a little dry again, but that feeling this morning--I'LL TAKE IT! :-) It was so nice to feel what waking up feels like when you don't have all these issues waiting for you.

I don't care why--just make it go away.

So, I saw Lister today. We think we've pretty much gotten everything out of the steroids that we can get. Thus, we are cutting them down to 75mg daily (I was up to 100mg). However, I seem to be having a GvH (Graft vs. Host) flare up again--my liver functions tests are elevated (showing toxicity from GvH), my platelets are down, my gut is showing signs of being attacked, and my sugar levels are off the chart (from the steroids), and I'm tired as heck. Since this GvH flare up is occurring, and he's pulling me down off the steroids, they have to replace it with something. Guess what it is? A CHEMO. Apparently, I get to keep my hair with this one, but it's a chemical that will be administered through an IV starting immediately--like tomorrow morning. Needless to say, this isn't helping my mood.

I hate knowing that if I decide to stop taking the 16 pills that I take a day, I will be dead in a matter of weeks. This is NOT what it's supposed to be like when you're 28 years old.

No Woman, No Cry.

So, today is a low day. I don't know if it's a factor of the steroids that I'm on (they can cause moodiness), or if it's the fact that I still can't function like a normal person. I'm tired of this. I need to hear that things are going to get better--even if they aren't. I try to be okay with the fact that it may just never get better, but the reality of that is really hard to take.

Realistically, today was better than I was even four days ago (at least physically). I actually got out of the house and was able to buy some books and other items that I've been wanting to pick up. Four or five days ago, I was holding onto walls trying to balance myself, like a toddler. So, there has been definite progress. The problem is this tremendous fluctuation. I mean, trying to stand and having to hold onto things, or every time I want to change my clothes, I have to sit down. It's really frustrating. And today, it's catching up to me.

I need to hear it. I have some songs that help me with it: Bob Marley & The Wailers' "No Woman, No Cry," Peter Gabriel's "Don't Give Up," and Nina Simone's "Ooh Child (Things are Going to Get Better)," but I could use some more. If you folks know of any songs that I can blast in my ears when I get like this, please pass along the titles.

Sunday Morning

I know it's Saturday morning that I'm posting this, but the title of this post isn't in reference to today, it's in reference to my latest painting. This one is also for the show in March, which now has a title of "Angles." The main subject of the painting is actually my grandmother. I chose her for a subject, not just because I wanted to document this woman in my family, but because I'm trying to represent the many roles of women for this show: mothers, friends, relatives, lovers, as well as self. Through the paintings of these women, I'm hoping to address such issues as beauty (quest for and question of), aging, sexuality, fertility, strength (physical vs. emotional), motherhood, and health.