tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-146243232024-03-13T08:29:07.170-04:00Life of a FeatherDon't blow it--good bodies are hard to find.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-73097514127588757472008-02-07T14:05:00.000-05:002008-02-07T14:16:21.213-05:00Thin AirSo, things are still pretty much the same. I have begun to be able to read at least, though! Granted, I have to wear two pairs of reading glasses (one on top of the other), but at least I'm able to sit,and obtain information without having to listen to something or someone. Sometimes, you just want to sit in silence. Other times, It's nice to listen to a podcast, or a book on tCD, etc. I've also started watching a litle TV, particularly the travel channel. I haven't decided if this is cruel or helpful to myself yet. l-) Today, however, there was a show where this guy travelled to Peru. One of the places he visitied was Machu Picchu, I have seen pictures of it before. I think I've even seen a few tv specials on it, and verytime that I have, I have felt a huge draw to it. I have a very emotional response to that place, even though I have never even been in Central nor South America. If my lungs ever recover, Machu Picchu is one of the places I would definitely like to visit in my life.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-48789875682655476302008-01-06T14:45:00.000-05:002008-01-06T14:46:40.613-05:00IntuitionI think, intuition is the stuff you hear when you listen very, very carefully.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-66589894982790382962008-01-01T17:06:00.000-05:002008-01-01T17:28:57.145-05:00Cheers!I've been working on it, and yesterday and today seem like they are finally showing something of an improvement for my breathing. I'm always hesitant to say that I'm having better breathing. I'm afraid to jinx the good fortune. But there are days like today and yesterday, when I finally feel something good, something stronger, something a little closer to life, and I can't help but want to share it with you. It's these moments when I feel like it's possible to live again and that my life is still worth fighting for.<br /><br />This illness/battle/or whatever you want to call it, has truly been a test of my spirit. It has pushed me to the very, absolute end of my patience and my strength. The physical trials have been--and are--quite substantial, but it's the mental test of courage, strength, perseverance, and complete determination that have been particularly insane. I have learned a lot. About myself. About others. About life.<br /><br />One of those things that I have learned, is that when something is going well, you've got to celebrate, because you never know what's around the corner. So, here's to a great beginning to a better, stronger, healthier, happier new year!thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-845954711967179302007-12-31T16:42:00.000-05:002007-12-31T16:48:35.328-05:00Mercy, BabyMercy has ben given to me today and I feel pretty damn good. My breathing feels a little more under control (I was actually able to do some yoga today--something I haven't been able to do for over a year and a half!!), my energy has been good, and I was able to read about 70% of a normal sized paragraph of a magazine (with the help of strong reading glasses and a magnifying glass). STILL.....I'll take it!!!!<br /><br />If this is what my thirties are going to be like, I think I'm really going to like this decade. :-) (Cue up Annie singing, "I think I'm gonna like it here!")thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-20677105515775578572007-12-11T13:43:00.001-05:002007-12-11T13:43:29.093-05:00Faith and hopeLately, I've started watching that daytime show, The View, and I must say that I really like their segment called, "Hot Topics." Yesterday, they had a bit where Whoopie asked a guest if she still had hope that something was going to happen to her. Whoopie asked, "Is there a time when faith/hope becomes denial?" I pauseed my TiVo and thought about this. This is what has actually been bothering me lately. I've had this hope all along that my lungs are eventually going to get better and that I will get better, with only the occasional doubt that I won't. There are some of those lower days when I wonder if I'm just not accepting the fact that I will never recover and, in fact, it might only get worse. What keeps me going is the hope that I WILL get better, but obviously, I really don't know either way. At what point does hope become denial?thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-73362763931107521432007-12-08T13:24:00.000-05:002007-12-08T13:48:45.472-05:00Here's looking at you, kid...I have some GREAT news. My vision is improving!! We have confirmed objective measurements from my neuro-opthamologist that show an over 50% increase in my vision! I went from having 20/200 vision three weks ago to testing at 20/100 yesterday! YAYE! Also my visial field test showed a reduction in dimensions of the central blur spot as well as my color sensitivity tests are more accurate.. I am SO relieved that it is starting to heal up. I think it will still be at least a month before I can drive or read something (without the help of multiple tools), but HEY, I'll take it. I'm already jumping at the bit (that's the expression, right?) to get back to apinting. It's been so frustrating to not be able to produce anything during these past few months. Ralph says, to sketch them down so that I can paint them wehen I can see again, but the problem is, if I can't see to paint them, I also can't see enough to accurately sketch the concept for myself. :-/ So, I'm really looking forward to seeing again! (hehe...get it?)thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-59229170061324369992007-11-23T12:34:00.001-05:002007-11-24T11:46:40.213-05:00Some improvementHello all...the situation is still pretty much the same. I still have a hard time breathing and seing. :-(( It's been a pretty low fall because of that. For a while there I was just waiting for the vision to come back. I spent most of my days sleeping the majority of the time, because I figured "What's the sense of getting up if I can't see what I'm doing anyway?"I think that is the most helpless and useless and hopeless that I have felt in my history of this illness. On top of that, Ralph and I picked up a cold, so that just made me even more tired. Fiinally, after going to my regular doctor appointment[ in a wheelchair(because my breathing was SO poor and I was so tired) I decided I have to fight again. Now, I am proud to say that I am nearly off the oxygen, I'm walking on the treadmill daily, and actually doing some painting. The painting is not of the beautiful kind, but more of functional, subjective testing for my eyes' conidition of the optic neuropathy. I started about three weeks ago, painting lines of 1 inch diameter circles on pages of a watercolor paper bock. I went at it with the goal of trying to track my visual acuity and color perception on a week by week basis. So far, there have only been three weeks' worth of circles, and I can't se too much of a difference (because I still can't focus around the giant blur spot in my central vision), but Ralph tells me that he can notice a change between them. I'll take that as a positive motion and hope that it only continues!thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-38815385723084485992007-10-07T21:08:00.000-04:002007-10-07T21:37:34.077-04:00Not looking so goodHello all...I know it's been a REALLY long time since I have written. I have been afflicted with yet another health problem. In addition to the cataracts that I had in both eyes (and that have both since been operated on) I also developed optic neuropathy from one of the medications that I have ben taking. Optic neuropathy is that test that the doctors give you with all those colored dots and the number with the colored dots in the middle somewhere. Normally, the number is pretty easily distinguishable, but when you've got ON ( as I am going to call it) it's not so easy. It's kind of like having a high contrast version of vision with film grain over everything and a good-sized blur spot right in the middle. Reading, writing, drawing, painting, and obviously driving have been completely out of the question. For the past four weeks, I have been essentially legally blind. They say that it can take weeks to months to leave the system and go back to normal. So far, it's been 4 weeks with little if any improvement. I'm learning what it is like to exist by touch, scent, and hearing. I can still see things, but not enough to paint or read most things. In fact, I'm currently using my memory of the keyboard to write this entry as well as mac's text reading function to listen to it again before publishing. I'll keep you all updated on the situation, but I'm afraid that my postings will be more sporadic until there is a greater change.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-92012379113286778932007-09-02T13:08:00.000-04:002007-09-02T13:17:12.105-04:00Back in the day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1nNbgEn5hyG3CWkzZwW8e6H6-1L4iIj7enVcvGVwh6n6ip4GscNpS5qcCDFoSy9ot_43v_1Zo9RRfyUR44q0HiKrQneY_WfjP5Xfgki2hus8KgeSGqnsSgn5RuXtTZJ6yGboQQ/s1600-h/campgiggle.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1nNbgEn5hyG3CWkzZwW8e6H6-1L4iIj7enVcvGVwh6n6ip4GscNpS5qcCDFoSy9ot_43v_1Zo9RRfyUR44q0HiKrQneY_WfjP5Xfgki2hus8KgeSGqnsSgn5RuXtTZJ6yGboQQ/s400/campgiggle.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5105657037615623106" /></a><br />While up in New Hampshire last week, I rummaged through my grandmother's collection of pics from the cabin in an effort to collect more source material for another series in the special projects section of my painting website. I came across this picture of me with some of my cousins and I loved it. It just made me smile. The blonde on the left is my sister, Kelly. The giggly boy on her lap is my cousin Jason. That's yours truly in the middle next to my cousin Chris holding Jason's brother, Jared. I'm guessing that I was either 10 or 11 in that picture. Ah, I can almost feel the soggy bottom of that bathing suit again. ;-)thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-22965956994971686962007-08-30T12:37:00.000-04:002007-08-30T14:16:38.332-04:00CATARACTS!Holy Bajolllllbie!! I went to the eye doctor yesterday to get an eye check up. I'd been having a lot of conrast in my vision as well as a kind of blind spot effect. The wierd thing was that the blind spot didn't seem to stay in one place, so I wasn't that certain that there was one. (Does that make sense?) In anycase the doc took a look at me yesterday and announced that I have cataracts in both eyes and they will have to operate. On two separate occasions. They like to give one eye time to heal up before going in for the other. <sigh> Here we go again!! ;-) I know that the surgery itself should be fine--they usually make sure that you are pretty darn sedated....it's just the thinking about it that gives me the willies. <shiver><br /><br />He says that afterwards, my vision may be better than before the cataracts, but I'll probably need bifocals. He offered to change my vision from near sighted to far sighted, but I declined and instead asked for x-ray vision...no dice. Can I at least stream the internet in there?thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-2576276317077858542007-08-28T15:05:00.000-04:002007-08-28T16:06:02.169-04:00VacationLast week Ralph and i spent some time in New England again. (I apologize to all those that we didn't get to see this time!!!) The vast majority of the time we were up on Welch Island again. It was a bit nippy, but beautiful as always. Here's an image of the view from the deck. AAaaah. :-)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5EDxea5q0QsR4eAWDsg0Lh04KRnbkEwwuQP6FjHbmkI_rByfgQz9_5kzGHsLRF2tW44pru3Aa7ydY4YGvwc6VZ3OwWiM-5NDyh1nNqGlYEUiQIQRi6qq6Uvi4uaJfmf-k8deSA/s1600-h/summer2007lake.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5EDxea5q0QsR4eAWDsg0Lh04KRnbkEwwuQP6FjHbmkI_rByfgQz9_5kzGHsLRF2tW44pru3Aa7ydY4YGvwc6VZ3OwWiM-5NDyh1nNqGlYEUiQIQRi6qq6Uvi4uaJfmf-k8deSA/s400/summer2007lake.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5103844849179519906" /></a><br />I came back to Pittsburgh to find a new medication piled onto my current load. I started taking it yesterday, and it has already left me a bit loopy and droopy. They say that part of the side effects should go away within 1-3 weeks as my body gets used to it...I certainly hope so!!<br />There's more to update you on, but I'm seriously having to concentrate too hard to post this part already, so I'll have to post the rest a bit later!thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-57845496156087617662007-08-15T22:22:00.001-04:002007-08-15T22:29:07.189-04:00Finally added...<a href="http://blues.ius.cs.cmu.edu/stacy/flora.html"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja8NCovctizpXHM4WZJGv_HiD7yg5cldWgDd1rcdJbHzgbTDPcZN2rfKZXJ1MSRfk0QNP-Nt-Fjd1IEvlSO92INW6WwlizF5FtYpH6YJNE_xJFE47uX3YRs73QtDgU9zosncqLaA/s320/home.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5099118607037459346" border="0" /></a>So, I finally got a few of those watercolor flower pieces done and put them up on <a href="http://www.stacyraegross.com/">my painting website</a>! Check 'em out and let me know what you think!thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-82097944353051577592007-08-08T20:04:00.000-04:002007-08-15T22:30:02.430-04:00Oh SO gratifying...About a month ago, it occurred to me to apply for a handicapped parking pass for my car. With the difficulty that I have to just get to the store, it's been hell to find out that I then have to treck across the parking lot. It turns out that I qualified for it on a few counts, but the winning reason they gave me the pass was the fact that I'm on oxygen (portable, liquid oxygen) when out and about. You'd think, then, that the parking enforcement troops would know this is one of the reasons for a handicapped pass....however...<br /><br />Tonight, I got to use the pass for the first time. Ralph and I headed over to Shadyside (a little shopping neighborhood of Pittsburgh) to pick up a gift for a friend and get some dinner. We had just put the pass on the mirror (it's a plastic pass like a pass for a parking garage) and gotten out of the car when a meter maid was approaching. As I'm puffing away on my portable oxygen container, she says, "Uh, you're going to have to move your vehicle."<br />"Why?" I asked.<br />And she said, "Well, because it's in a handicapped spot and your not."<br />"Ha! Who are YOU kidding? I AM handicapped. I have the pass on the car."<br />"Oh! Yeah, I didn't see that before."<br />"Uh-huh."<br /><br />Boy, did that feel good. Back off SISTA--I'm entitled to a little nice treatment, even if it is only in the form of a closer parking spot.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-75637266843065171292007-08-06T18:52:00.000-04:002007-08-09T22:18:42.190-04:00GOOD NEWS!Today I got the official word from Lister (my oncologist) that I am in remission. This time period is currently the longest stretch of time when I have not had cancer since first being diagnosed 5 years ago. (Each time it came back within 1 year of being treated--currently it's been 1.5 years since my last occurrence!)<br />Knock on wood everyone!<br />Thank you for your prayers!<br /><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="220"><br /> <tr><br /> <td bgcolor="#000000"><br /> <p align="center"><br><br /> <img border="0" src="http://blues.ius.cs.cmu.edu/stacy/i/chacha202-1.gif" width="220" height="200"><br><br /> <br><br /> </td><br /> </tr><br /> </table>thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-50594661069328189802007-08-06T11:14:00.001-04:002007-08-06T11:23:31.606-04:00Flower powerSince I was in the hospital in June, I've been a little more cautious in regards to getting back in front of the easel. Even though we've determined that it's not the paints causing the breathing problems, I haven't wanted to push the issue until I felt that my lungs were cleared up of the infection (at least a bit) and the weather was a bit cooler to allow the windows open while painting. Instead, I've taken to watercolors (an even LESS offensive medium to my lungs). I've had to relearn a bunch of the techniques and methods that I haven't used since I learned it back in highschool. <br /><br />I've been exploring the idea of symmetry in nature and mixing that with some of the characteristics of watercolor. I haven't put them up on my painting website yet, because I'd like to have a few more done before I add them. However, here I'll post a sneak view...this one is my favorite so far! :-)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Wthuw8l5MH-rJ1qHfqLOecpr8FR31C2c0gA_WIkLtgiCVr3Uos1a7UrE06Ix53FAWC8wxG_-almnVWYJVNyE1bXPNPjH9EcGlBTsN8FCuEfJ6qmzbg-7WplZ0FAIh_AibJAPvA/s1600-h/marigolds1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Wthuw8l5MH-rJ1qHfqLOecpr8FR31C2c0gA_WIkLtgiCVr3Uos1a7UrE06Ix53FAWC8wxG_-almnVWYJVNyE1bXPNPjH9EcGlBTsN8FCuEfJ6qmzbg-7WplZ0FAIh_AibJAPvA/s400/marigolds1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5095608427256570034" /></a>thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-60898525723988684892007-08-05T11:12:00.000-04:002007-08-06T11:13:57.931-04:00Something I love about Pittsburgh......the thunderstorms!! We never got that many up in NH, and I remember being surprised at the frequency of them here. They are so much fun, and it's so nice to fall asleep at night to the sound of rain on the window sill.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-58556895422670512452007-07-31T12:58:00.000-04:002007-07-31T13:04:32.871-04:00At least mine seem to be workingSo, they switched up my meds a little about 2-3 weeks ago, and since then, I can definitely say that my cough has gotten better ( A LOT less frequent and laborious) and my breathing is a little less debilitating. Granted, I know I still have a long ways to go, but BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD to see something making progress!!thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-9276260318251507152007-07-29T21:09:00.000-04:002007-07-29T21:24:20.255-04:00HarshI just saw a Dateline segment on tv tonight about companies that are making counterfeit prescription drugs and selling them off to patients around the world, including the U.S. One specific example they found was a drug called Procrit. I took this drug back during my first round of chemotherapy back in 2002. From what I remember, it's a red blood cell promoter, so it tends to give you some more energy and help you recover from the effects of chemo a bit quicker. They had a family whose mother had taken Procrit during her battle with breast cancer and found that it gave her a great deal of physical and mental strength to get through the treatment. At one point, the drug didn't seem to be working as well, and the family figured that it was the cancer starting to overcome her system and figured there was nothing they could do. It wasn't until a nurse at the facility later determined that they had been sold fake medicine that the family found out. I heard this tonight and I must say that I was horrified. I mean, I saw the title of the segment, so I knew what they were going to be talking about. But then I understood that what they were actually doing was rendering these medications completely useless. A doctor treating a patient might then decide (when the patient shows no response to a medication) to put them into further treatment (additional drugs) or higher quantities of the same in hopes that it will eventually be effective. My thought on these people: they should be burned. Not just the death penalty, but burned. Sounds harsh, I know and I'm a little shocked that I could project that cruel of a destiny on someone, but that was honestly my first reaction to that news.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-53565354238264192412007-07-22T14:16:00.000-04:002007-07-22T14:24:43.688-04:00RecoveringIt's been weird lately. I think it's a combination of the antibiotics and antifungals that I'm on, but I don't seem to have all my wits about me lately. I'm always kind of tired, or distracted. Some days are better than others, but I think it's not quite normal. The weird part is that I can't quite figure out how it doesn't quite feel totally normal. I hope it evens out soon though. <br /><br />In the meantime, I have finally gotten back in front of the art desk. Since the weather has been soo hot here in Pittsburgh, we've been keeping the windows closed and the air conditioner on. That means, I'm not doing any acrylic work at this time. It also doesn't quite seem like it's the season for it. I've been working in watercolor, which given the temperature and sunniness of the outdoors, seems more fitting. I'll post some of the work I've been doing soon. <br /><br />In the meantime...I'm off to read the new Harry Potter! ;-)thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-22640074236700718002007-07-03T12:25:00.000-04:002007-07-03T12:34:04.938-04:00Getting back in the swingSo, I've been home now for almost a week. I haven't had much of a chance to do anything, as I am still trying to rearrange my schedule for taking the new medications that my docs have prescribed. Some have to be taken with food, some with meals, some at least an hour away from any food, some 1-2 hours away from each other, and some take an hour to take! Given all those requirements, I think I've finally worked out a plan, but it's taken a few days of trial and error to determine the best combination. Some of these meds also cause dizziness and drowsiness, so when I haven't been trying to figure out when I need to eat or ingest medicine, I've been in a bit of a fog--creatively, at least. I've been reading a lot, but I haven't quite gotten enough energy to get me back in front of the easel yet. Hopefully soon, though, because I really, really miss it.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-4192128555011244442007-06-27T11:01:00.001-04:002007-06-28T12:03:41.425-04:00Home again finally!!Yesterday afternoon, I finally got released from the hospital. They had one medication that had to be administered for 14 days, which is why I had to stay in a little longer than originally estimated. What a fun time that was! For a few days there, they moved me to another floor because a bacteria was growing on my petri dish that could have meant that I had tuberculosis. Fortunately, a couple of days later, it was clear that I DID NOT have it and they moved me back to the previous floor. Phew! <br /><br />Aside from that, it was pretty much two weeks of not being able to get enough rest and eating terrible food. How amazing that when you need to heal up the most, they take away the two biggest ways to help your body--rest and nutrition. I wish there was a way to select an organic option for the food, even if I had to pay extra for it. Oh well, I'm home now, and it feels great. It was nice just to wake up next to Ralph again. :-)thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-9308768012182618752007-06-16T22:09:00.000-04:002007-06-16T22:30:02.946-04:00Back in the hospital againOn June 11th, I had a low-grade fever again, and the docs decided to take me back into the hospital. It's not as bad as it sounds, but I'm still not home yet (and I won't be) for a few more days still. They are treating me for one fungal infection and one bacterial infection. Most of the meds are IV administered, which is why I need to stay here for now. They anticipate that I'll be out on Friday (the 22nd). Fingers crossed. <br /><br />By the way, remember that field image that I typed about earlier? I finished the sketch of it and here it is. It's still not entirely the way that I want it to look, but at least you all can see an idea of what I want to be producing--and the closest thing that I feel I have produced that is "my voice."<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dYZaQ8Ffw7wxiz-KArX_b1G63iD_TAEEASY7q8zAUwhYYVxCVAmmZnHtco-sVuFG9FWmLF1N0BX4KSoEnK-2uMO57k7Ja2eGdiWV_a5I8XH6Cj6v3cPO63HMtozl6qNN2GFF7Q/s1600-h/fieldstudy-color.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dYZaQ8Ffw7wxiz-KArX_b1G63iD_TAEEASY7q8zAUwhYYVxCVAmmZnHtco-sVuFG9FWmLF1N0BX4KSoEnK-2uMO57k7Ja2eGdiWV_a5I8XH6Cj6v3cPO63HMtozl6qNN2GFF7Q/s400/fieldstudy-color.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5076854622151610786" /></a>thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-89748393946606998262007-06-05T19:27:00.000-04:002007-06-06T13:38:37.223-04:00I don't like breakfast in bedI'm not sure why there seems to be this memory or idea in my head that breakfast in bed is some sort of special treatment or luxury, but after having just spent the last four days getting breakfast in bed in the hospital, I have to say, I'm not that keen on it. <br /><br />Saturday, when I woke, it hurt to take deep breaths. Fearing that it was a clot that had broken loose and gone to my lungs, I called in. They took me in and ran ALL SORTS of tests, including a broncoscopy (not the scary procedure I described in the previous post--it was the same thing that I had done in October of last year). They switched up some of my meds and didn't give me my next dose of chemo. They seem pretty certain that it is a fungal infection, and it wasn't a clot (although, they explained that it would have presented itself the same way). So, now we wait to see what grows from the samples they obtained. In the meantime, I am able to be home again, which is nice. Really, hospital food--do they really think that stuff is at all good for you??thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-30449737471155587552007-06-01T20:22:00.000-04:002007-06-01T20:40:27.284-04:00When it gets hard, a memory takes me through.That whole thing with the potential outcome of that procedure has seriously scared the bageebies out of me. I think I've made it pretty clear to those who would have to make the decision, but I prefer a DNR (do not resuscitate). I don't want to live by machine. So, that could have easily been the end of the road for this girl. Granted, the procedure doesn't look like it's going to happen now (thank GOD), but just the possibility that this current situation could get worse really freaks me out. I'm holding onto my fight with the hope and belief--however small it feels sometimes--that I am GOING to get better. That some day, I can look back on these days and give myself the comfort of knowing that it has passed. <br /><br />There is one image that I'm holding onto, and it's really been the only thing that makes me believe. By now, I'm sure that you know that I have a lot of dreams (or some would say that I just remember more of them than most people). When I was rediagnosed in 2005 (before the most recent transplant), I was having a hard time moving forward mentally. I remember praying for some sign so that I would know or have some idea how it would all go over. I don't remember if that was that night or a few nights later, but I had a dream in which Ralph and I were walking, holding hands. We were, sort of, window shopping in a mall. As we turned a corner, I saw that I was 5 months pregnant. It felt so real. I woke up crying and happy. That image, that future memory, that sense of happiness is what I hold onto. When everything seems like such a struggle, that's what gets me up, makes me eat when I'm not hungry, makes me keep trying to get stronger daily.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14624323.post-33787247875708612632007-05-31T15:16:00.000-04:002007-05-31T15:23:02.783-04:00RealityI met with the lung doctor yesterday and it looks like we probably won't be doing the broncoscopy/biopsy. Apparently, there's a pretty high risk that I could end up on a ventilator and in a nursing home after the surgery, because my lungs are already compromised. He also said that he didn't think that we would gain that much more information about my current situation (and treatment for it certainly wouldn't be different either). It could only confirm what they already suspect (slight infection on top of GvH in the lung). So, after hearing that, I have to say that the trade-off is SO not worth it. I don't think that I could handle this situation getting any worse, and being on a ventilator and in a nursing home....well, sunnuva gun. Let's just say, I feel like I dodged a bullet by having a doctor who had the presence of mind/education to suggest not having this procedure.thefeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04407551706916005870noreply@blogger.com0